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Written by Evan Weber

A recent joint research study performed by the AARP and R.H. Macy’s has proven what many experts have believed for years; Senior Citizens are the only people who ever go to the Salvation Army.  The elderly prefer a thrift store setting and the knowledge that they will only be shopping for old clothing they and other Senior Citizens have donated.

Stan Schumacher, age 73, frequents a Salvation Army location in Eastern Michigan, and says he enjoys shopping for old gems.  A very excited Mr. Schumacher told reporters, “Look, I found the Visit Kissimmee t-shirt I donated last year…I think I’m going to buy it back.”

R.H. Macy’s intends to capitalize on this recycled revenue stream by re-branding many Salvation Army store locations as Elder Browse, a more antiquated Army store with motorized shopping scooters.

Written by Evan Weber

“Give a Day, Get a Disney Day”, but good luck getting there.

Disney has decided to reward good deeds with good old fashioned branded memories.  1 million people who volunteer in their communities will get a free one-day admission to the parks at Walt Disney World Resort in Florida or Disneyland in Southern California.

Local volunteers driven by faith and unemployment were ecstatic upon hearing of Disney’s self proclaimed “voluntourism” program.  Dale Davis, former NBA Power Forward and current drifter, said, “This is a chance for me to give back, and hopefully connect with some of the fans with for-profit autograph signings at Disney.  Also, could anyone who lives in Indianapolis and plans on driving to Disney please arrange to pick me up at the Baxter YMCA branch.”

Many volunteers share Davis’ enthusiasm, though even more share his need for transportation to and from Disney.

“We were very excited to receive a voucher for a free day pass to Disney, and equally disappointed to learn that transportation wasn’t included,” said Chuck Dimpkins, a South Dakota resident who pulled his children out of school to volunteer during his extended unemployment.  “One day with the mouse isn’t worth two weeks on the bus!”

Many disgruntled “Give a Day, Get a Disney Day” participants have attempted to reverse their misfortune by selling their vouchers to wealthy tourists at makeshift Disney ticket sale kiosks in local airports.  As of present time, most kiosks have been shutdown and their operators have been sent to the magic kingdom of jail.

Written hastily by Evan Weber 

Godsmack’s “Whiskey Hangover” is so bad ass you don’t even have to listen to it.  I’ve only heard the preview clip at the iTunes music store and read a potentially credible Wikipedia entry for the song and feel perfectly qualified to write this scathingly indifferent review.

“Whiskey Hangover” is the first rock radio single released by Godsmack since 2007’s Zeppelin cover, “Good Times Bad Times”.  The funniest thing about “Whiskey Hangover” is that Godsmack only wrote the song because they needed to remind the world they exist leading up to their Summer tour, Crue Fest 2.  “Whiskey Hangover” was for promotional use only; Godsmack had no inspiration whatsoever to write.

“All 4 of us were in the room and we wrote that song in like 3 hours,” said Godsmack drummer Shannon Larkin.  The rushed production is evident in “Whiskey Hangover’s” familiar “lie to me” trademark Godsmack riffage.

Despite the band’s satisfaction with mediocrity, Godsmack front man and creative steamroller Sully Erna felt the song needed more lyrical exploration.  “…it took Sully weeks to come up with the lyrics…,” Larkin remarked further.  Nonetheless, Erna managed to churn out the lyrics to another hit.  Just this month, Godsmack’s “Whiskey Hangover” became the band’s fifth number one hit on the Billboard Hot Mainstream Rock Tracks chart.

by Evan Aikman

- – - SPOILER ALERT – - - 

Everybody has Aids!…Aids! Aids! Aids! Aids!… and they dance and sing and cry about it.  

This musical was 525,599 minutes too long.